A Time to Mourn...

Last Sabbath got the horrible news that Lew, my former husband, had been killed.
Still in shock.
Still sobbing.
Had to go on a work-related errand to the bank yesterday. Saw a man who resembled Lew a bit...nearly lost it. Have been doing that a lot.
Didn't know it could hurt so much.
Didn't know I had so much grieving to do...even after so many years.
Dreams die so hard!!!

Please pray for Mavis, Lew's bride...they had only been married a little over three months. She's a lovely lady...whose dreams now lay in ashes. Pray for the whole family...and friends...please.

Lew was killed in Utah on Monday night, April 5th, when a tractor-trailer truck passed a vehicle and hit him head-on. The driver of the truck, and his passenger, were treated at the scene...Lew was killed. It wasn't his fault.




The memorial service on Sunday, 4-11-10, was beautiful--perfect, actually...except that...
I wish it hadn't happened...a sentiment shared by all.
Still can't get over how much it hurts...wish I had a block of time where I could just get it all out, once and for all. Am hurting for Mavis, too...it just seems so wrong-headed to have been made a widow while still a bride...so hard to understand...

Just have to keep reminding myself over and over again:

GOD *always* does the right thing.
He *always* does it in the right way.
And, He *always* does it at the right time.

Right now it's the only truth I can comprehend...
even though it still hurts like all-get-out.

Can't talk right now...sorry.

Linda.

@}-',---



Everything Has Its Time

 ¹ To everything there is a season,

      A time for every purpose under heaven:
       ² A time to be born,
And a time to die;
      A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
       ³ A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
      A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
       ⁴ A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
      A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
       ⁵ A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
      A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
       ⁶ A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
      A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
       ⁷ A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
      A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
       ⁸ A time to love,
And a time to hate;
      A time of war,
And a time of peace. ⁹ What profit has the worker from that in which he labors? ¹⁰ I have seen the God-given task with which the sons of men are to be occupied. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end.

 ¹² I know that nothing is better for them than to rejoice, and to do good in their lives, ¹³ and also that every man should eat and drink and enjoy the good of all his labor—it is the gift of God.
       ¹⁴ I know that whatever God does,
      It shall be forever.
      Nothing can be added to it,
      And nothing taken from it.
      God does it, that men should fear before Him.

       (Ecclesiastes 3:1-14, New King James Version)

April is "Child Abuse Awareness Month"

As someone who has lived with the physical-mental-emotional-spiritual and social effects of childhood sexual abuse, I can testify first-hand to how devastating it is. It kills the spirit of the person God created that child to be...it affects every aspect of the child's life, and leaves its imprint as indelible as DNA...it changes them... forever.

We learn how to "cope" with things that no child should ever have to experience.
We become adept at covering the pain, confusion, and fear.
Sometimes we are threatened not to tell.
Sometimes we try to tell and our words fall on deaf ears.
So, just to survive, we become Oscar-winning actors...wearing masks to hide the unspeakable.

There are tell-tale signs; but, often they are overlooked.
Thankfully, there's quite a bit of info on the Internet nowadays that can help alert parents to indicators of possible sexual abuse. However, the old saying, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure," is wise counsel--especially where childhood sexual abuse is concerned.

Every child deserves to have their innocence protected--at all costs; because, the price of violation is way too high. Even *one* time of inappropriate touch will scar a child for life. But, so will more subtle forms of this abuse, such as:

--Inappropriate nick-names, such as calling the child their "Girlfriend" or "Wife", "Boyfriend" or "Husband",
--Referring to a child's private parts, especially in a teasing or humiliating manner,
--Pinching the child's bottom, or other private parts--playfully or otherwise,
--Walking around in front of the child in varying degrees of undress/nakedness,
--Lewd suggestions,
--Leering,
--Not allowing the child privacy in the bedroom or bathroom,
--Pretending not to know that the child was in the bedroom or bathroom and walking in on them,
--Telling "off-color" jokes to the child or in the child's presence,
--Fondling another adult in the child's presence,
--Touching the private parts of animals in "fun" or as "sex education",
--Inappropriate kissing,
--and many, many more.


It is vital that children know the difference between "Good Touch" and "Bad Touch", yes; but, that's not enough. Children also need to know that even "safe" people can be very UNsafe...people the child loves...and is deeply bonded with. The teasing, cajoling, and manipulation of the child's affections that takes place can seem so slight as to be imagined; but, one "uncomfortable" word or act leads to another, and another, and another. The subtlety with which these crimes against innocence are committed are master-minded by Lucifer, himself...starting in Eden.

It's very difficult for a child to resist something they are not comfortable with, especially if the adult is trusted. The adult abuser counts on that, and subtly "conditions" the child to ignore their gut-instincts...slowly, but repeatedly...until the child is finally overcome.

But, even if the child is able to escape overt abuse, the covert abuse has already done its damage. The child will condemn and self-blame for ignoring the internal wiring God installed in each of us to warn of danger. They are young. They will not understand any of this. Not without being taught. They will think it is their fault...long into adulthood...and it will rob them of the best years of their lives and the ability to love themselves and others as God instructs us to do.

God can, and does, heal.
Forgiveness is possible.
But the journey is very long and arduous indeed.

May God keep you and yours safe in His care and love,

Linda.

"LOVE ME WITH YOUR EYES!"

LOVE ME WITH YOUR EYES!

by

Linda J. De Graw

(copyright 1991)

Please don't touch me !!!

Love me with your eyes alone.

You see, it hurts.

My body remembers.

If you touch me
I might cry.
I might run away ... sob ... scream ...
My body remembers.

I want you to love me...
I need your love so much!!!
But, love me with your eyes alone --
I'm afraid I'll run away from your touch!

My body remembers
when violence wore a cloak of "LOVE" ...
when being touched by someone who "loved" me
left me cold and dead inside.

I NEED you to love me...
I want your love SO MUCH !!!
But, love me with your eyes alone --
I'm afraid I'll run away from your touch.

This Is the Year…

In 1986, I was dying, literally, when I met my LORD and Saviour, Jesus Christ. He invited me to have a relationship with Him...I said "YES!"...because I had never known LOVE like that before--ever.

In 1987, He told me to start going to church...I balked...because I wanted it to be just me and Him and my Bible--forever. But, He gently persuaded me that this was a good thing.

In 1988, He told me to do my baptism like a wedding...I obeyed...because I wanted to please Him--more than anything in life. It was a genuine "Honeymoon".

Then, I started having blackouts. I didn't know what was happening to me. This went on for months. I was confused and scared.

In 1989, He told me that I was going to have to "look at the sexual abuse issues" in my life...I panicked...because that was the one thing in life I didn't think I could live through--again. I begged and pleaded with Him not to make me do it. I felt I would go insane.

When He wouldn't back off of that subject...I ran away from Him...because I didn't trust Him with that area of my life--the "Honeymoon" was over. We had just had our first fight.

In 1990, I had an accident that nearly cost me my life. My "Bridegroom" said to me, "This is the last call."...I surrendered, finally, even though I knew it meant I would lose my mind...because I would rather endure that than be separated from Him--eternally.

It was after I submitted myself under His hand that I wrote "In Secret Places".

It wasn't for another year, or more, until I came upon Jeremiah 23:23, 24 in the New King James version of the Bible…I was stunned…because I had no idea that the words "in secret places" were in His Word--until then.

For the next eighteen years, He told me to "Write."...I didn't...because fear and terror had a stranglehold on me--and it was that, and the disobedience, that almost stole my sanity.

In 2008, I finally created a blog...there's still nothing there--yet.

In February 2009...I was in anguish...because I felt I had committed the unpardonable sin for not writing--for so many years.

I joined an online Christian women's neighborhood in March, after staying up all night searching for blogs and bloggers who wrote about writing, abuse, trauma, addictions and how they survived it in Christ.

I've spent the last year trying to get comfortable writing to women about the hard stuff...only somewhat successfully...because I had lost my voice--in infancy.

In January 2010, the LORD opened my spirit to know that "This is the year" that what He asked of me will happen.

In February 2010 I started this new blog...still scared "to tell", but in faith...because He will bring me through this--with a sound mind and healed spirit.

In the decades since I've been trying to deal with all of this, I have learned..."The only way over is through"...and, it's not just for me--it's for you, too.

I have never known Him to bless just one person in any situation; He always produces a "win-win". And 2010 is the year I believe He is going to bring unimaginable healing into the lives of the walking wounded of the world.

In my mind's eye, I see Him directing us to form a human chain that reaches down into the darkest depths of hell we have endured, meets Him at the Cross, and then carries us all the way to His throne.

 

"IN SECRET PLACES"

IN SECRET PLACES

by

Linda J. De Graw

(copyright 1990)

In secret places, deep inside,
I've buried hurts, fears, pain and pride.
I thought they'd stay there, out of the way,
but somehow they keep surfacing today.

Oh LORD, it's not right to feel anger and hate !!
Won't You please HELP ME . . . these feelings abate ???
I've been struggling all day with these unpleasant foes.
They rob me of joy and in its place leave woes.

I'm sick of this see-saw -- ^ELATION/_despair . . .
My soul needs renewing, overhauling and repair !!!
But, I guess I'd like a "magic cure"
so pain and discomfort I won't have to endure.

Yes, You're right, LORD, denial never cures the past --
it just keeps re-surfacing, and again I'm harassed !
But HOW can I put it PERMANENTLY to rest
when its offspring of imps keeps putting me to the test ???

In that dark little corner, over there to the right,
is where I keep "REJECTION" well out of sight.
Yet daily it seems to raise its ugly head
snapping at me from morning 'til bed !

My "FEARS" I keep over there on the shelf,
ignoring them, and trying to encourage myself.
But they keep sliding off and rolling my way --
ever tripping me up so I make no headway.

"GUILT" and "SHAME" are tucked snugly underneath;
but, they too, harass me beyond belief !!
Even though I've confessed all that I can think of
they retort that I've no right to receive any love.

And "THE THREE-HEADED MONSTER"
-- that keeps glaring me in the eye --
is the one I never escape, named Me, Myself & I.
It hounds me incessantly all night and all day
with its "shoulds" and its "oughts" and the debts I can't pay.

But there, well-hidden -- (even from me),
is where the worst tyrant struggles to be free.
With its silent screaming and rattling of cage,
jarring my soul . . . this thing called "RAGE".

And that over there?? No, that's not a lake . . .
it's an ocean of tears -- unshed for "PRIDE's" sake.
Oh, yes, it's an ocean. Real salt you can taste.
Too bad it's so big . . . so much room it does waste.

LORD . . . ? If I were to let You drain that ocean from me --
would that at last from my past set me free ? ? ?
Fountains of Living Water You've promised to give . . .
Oh, LORD -- is THAT what I've needed to learn how to live ???

Then drain this salty marsh, with its muck and its mire,
and give me the Springs of Your Heart's desire !!!
Wash clean those hidden corners of my dark soul . . .
then fill me with Your Spirit 'til I am made whole !!!

It almost seems just too good to be true . . .
But if I let You empty me, You can FILL ME with YOU!
Oh LORD, make haste; let there be no delay !!!
Possess me entirely -- come fill me TODAY !!!

"Am I a God near at hand,"
says the LORD,
"And not a God afar off?
Can anyone hide himself
in secret places,
So I shall not see him?"
says the LORD;
"Do I not
fill
heaven and earth?"
says the LORD.

Jeremiah 23:23, 24 (NKJV)
(emphasis mine)